It’s important for young people to maintain relationships with those involved in their lives. Knowing where they have come from and keeping in touch allows young people to stay connected and strengthen their sense of self. Our Fostering Community Champions in Scotland share their top tips for foster carers to support ‘Positive Contact’ for children and young people in your care. In this context, ‘Positive Contact’ refers to children and young people having a positive experience of family time – time with their family, friends and other people who are important to them.
Fostering Network
Going home can be good
Supporting children around family time
A key principle is to listen to the child. A foster carer who speaks out and supports a child after listening to them can make all the difference.
Before family time – what foster carers and young people say
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Prepare the child and encourage positive language – they will be anxious and need to know the foster carer believes it is good to go to family time.
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Take time to chat with the adults that are part of family time. It’s good for the child to see their parents and foster carers interacting in a positive way.
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Foster carers should be mindful of their emotions and remain positive and non-judgemental.
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If a child’s parents has bought them clothes, encourage the child to wear them for family time visits.
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Foster carers should make parents (or other important adults) welcome and respect their position.
After family time – what foster carers and young people say
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Foster carers should praise the child for managing family time, ask how people are and show a positive interest.
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If a child is upset or emotional after family time, know when to leave them alone and give them space and peace to calm down. Wait for them to broach the subject.
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Give the child permission to have enjoyed family time, letting them know it’s good to catch up with people and stay in touch.
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Be positive with parents to create a positive ending to family time.
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If needed, if a child is struggling, support them.
Top tips for positive family time (contact)
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Support parents and children to create a routine by establishing a plan for family time – children are reassured by routine and certainty. Be creative, and consider planning some activities for the child to take with them (for example, packing board games or baking ingredients).
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Choose activities to do together – it’s vital that siblings who don’t live together maintain their bond and relationship. Choose activities that siblings can do together, such as baking at one foster carer’s house, visiting play areas, or painting. Think about activities that will allow the children to interact and enjoy their time together in a natural way.
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Create opportunities for children to have some ‘normal’ time with their parents, such as a family meal together (even involving the foster carers) or going on a trip to a funfair.
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Be willing to travel to and from family time. Children often need you to chat on the drive home and provide reassurance.
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Speak out for the child and your family, especially if the family time arrangements seem unreasonable in terms of time or distance to travel. Foster carers need to be honest from the start and speak up if there are any problems when the plan for family time is being created.
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Foster carers sometimes need to go above and beyond - having a truly child-centred approach may mean finding ways of maintaining family links.
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Allow space and time when a child returns from family time – children can feel guilty, with split loyalties, and can feel torn between their foster carers and parents.
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Foster carers looking to maintain contact with their foster children after they have moved on need to ensure this is about the child and their needs.
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Where a child moves on to another foster carer, work positively with the fostering service and carer(s) to ensure that positive links are maintained which meet the needs of the child.
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Strive to maintain good working relationships between foster carer, child’s family and social workers – we all need to work together
What if family time is cancelled?
Family time may not always go as planned and foster carers need to be ready to think on their feet and have a backup plan. It’s also important to remember that disrupted family time can happen for a number of reasons:
- If there’s a late sudden cancellation, it’s a good idea to have an immediate Plan B. “I made sure we had either a shopping trip or ice cream treat as my back up plan, something else to do if [the family member] did not show.” Having a secondary plan will not take away the disappointment but will be a good distraction until you can talk things over with the child
- If a family member cancels with notice, make sure that the child knows and understands the reasons for the changes. Be honest and try to plan another fun activity instead, so the time is filled.
- If family time is stopped early (for reasons including disruptive behaviour from a sibling or the child not coping), the child will be in a heightened state of anxiety and may be distressed as they have not had their ‘full time’. They may also be angry at social workers for stopping the family time. Allow the child space, even on the drive home. If the child does not want to talk, don’t force it. Wait and give them time to think, and have a conversation about what happened once they’re settled.
- If family time distresses the child, it can be very difficult for everyone involved. Family time is often part of the legal order for a child, so it cannot be dropped or easily changed. Foster carers should keep records of the impact of family time on the child and any change in their behaviour, to evidence that there are issues around the current arrangement.